Twilight and Evening Song…

Twilit sky and evening cricket chorus…

Darkness is falling earlier and earlier in my corner of the globe.

My sister and I are now consistently sharing our evening walks with the songs of the crickets and the erratic flight of bats. Tonight, the evening breeze was gentle…. playing with our clothes and brushing our cheeks — it still carries the scent of summer’s-end blended with the river — even as it’s now bearing the first falling leaves, brown and crisp… Autumn is arriving soon, and already the trees are preparing to prepare for the coming winter. 

There is something healing in these evening walks — and yet, they are just natural occurrences — just two “bookend” sisters , the oldest and the youngest 13-years apart — walking a road they’ve know their entire lives. We visit a neighbor’s goats — feeding them if we have anything to share, even if that means laughing like schoolgirls as we try to reach apples on a nearby tree, or picking the giant blackberries in the bushes along the road. I am in my 40s but might as well be in my early teens on these evenings. :) The goats think we are there just to bring them treats, and object loudly if we happen to pass by with empty arms…
We point out rabbits and  instinctively duck if the bats swoop too close…The chorus of crickets waxes and wanes as we walk along, passing one group and moving on to the next — the river a constant presence just behind their tall-grass homes under the stand of old trees that border its cliffside-banks. The air is heavy with the fragrance of home…

My childhood and youth are everywhere here. After what seems like decades of chaos — my soul feels like it is standing on solid ground… I remember myself — my voice, my heart — pieces of me that only made their presence known when working in hospice, or stolen moments with written words in this little corner. Words here can bring ridicule from others, but they carry my voice in all its fullness… they are a window into who I am and where I’ve been. Perhaps they will weave for me their own healing spell to remind me of my soul-self after all this…

And perhaps these evening twilit walks are my peace-potion.


#twiliteveningsongwalks
#comingautumn
#peacewalk

Hoping For Rest…

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Dante hogging my heating pad… I only got up for a moment!

It’s been a full day.

Tonight I did something I’ve been meaning to do for quite awhile. I joined the team that brings Communion to people in one of the local assisted living homes not far from where I live. It’s actually not surprising that I wanted to get involved in this particular ministry since I’m so active in hospice volunteering and the No One Dies Alone program in my area — I love visiting with the elderly and I’ve been working up the courage to join this ministry team for about a year now. Then a few weeks ago, while I was visiting with one of my hospice patients, he was brought Communion from another local parish and I realized that I really needed to be doing it. So, I made the scary phone call (I hate talking on the phone!) and joined. Then tonight I went around for the first time shadowing a sweet soul to learn where to go and what to do, and by the end of the night I was leading the little services. Next time it’s my turn I’ll bring my boys along… The people were so grateful, and wanting to visit — it was as much of a blessing as I knew it would be… :)

Tomorrow promises to be just as busy, but we get to spend time with the whole family, and I’m really looking forward to it. I have a couple pieces to write — so I’ll be writing while enjoying the company of my little nephews and the rest of the family, :) and we’ll be celebrating my brother-in-law’s birthday. It’s going to be a good day.

But before tomorrow can get here, I need to get through the night. Lately that hasn’t been easy — not just because the boys don’t sleep well, but because I’m having some newer pain issues and I’m simply not sleeping much or well. My back and my bed don’t seem to be getting along, though I don’t think it’s my bed’s fault — pretty sure it’s just my back having some new issues. It has been the opposite of fun though, and the nights have been long… yet not long enough because sleep has been short. This has left me even more tired than I normally am and so life has been harder — my emotions are closer to the surface, my brain moves slower, pain levels go up… everything is just more complicated without sleep. It’s another part of being human… we need rest…

Rest is vital to our wellbeing — physically and spiritually. Without rest we can’t give of ourselves because we have nothing to give. Without rest, I find myself squeezing words from my brain as if it’s a dried up orange being juiced, and they tend to come one… at… a… time… or in short clumps. Without rest, my entire body just wants to be still — to sit down… to just cease everything for awhile… I am reminded again…

“Be still and know that I am God…” (Psalm 46:10)

So I will close this computer, and hopefully close my eyes soon… I will choose to be still –and hope for rest. Tomorrow is another day…

I am grateful…

  1. gentle old souls so happy to see me…
  2. a sweet new soul to learn from…
  3. multiple times today when life’s timing was “just right”…
  4. morning muffins already made…
  5. boys who are such good brothers…
  6. anticipation…
  7. plenty of pieces to write…
  8. late night laughter…
  9. Fall Back (we gain an hour!)…
  10. long morning talks with my mom…

It’s all Grace…

Of Written Words and Worries…

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One of the most daunting things during my day is looking at a blank page. Sometimes I find it exciting, thinking of all the possibilities that might pour out into the emptiness, but most of the time I just feel a little intimidated. There’s a sense of expectation that I can’t pinpoint — is it a type of anticipation? I think it has to do with that feeling that comes with  a requirement that needs to be met, and even if I have no qualms about meeting it, I’m unsure what will happen in the process…

There a sense of the fear of the unknown in a page’s blank stare…

I write for a lot of reasons. I fill pages with words to make a living, but I also do it to make a life. I write to make sense of my world — to explore how my experiences shape and mold me, and to discover a bit about who I am… and who I am becoming. Through writing I am able to digest all the things that happen during my days — the things that often occur too fast to reflect on in the moment.

There is a lot going on in my life right now. It’s almost impossible not to get caught up in the constant barrage of thoughts — worries, cares, fears… it’s all so chaotic and mostly not even under my conscious control. Thoughts whiz through my head of their own volition, and my internal world ends up racing out of control — I keep catching myself holding my breath without even realizing it… not exactly conducive to peace or health. So I write.

Deep Breath…

“Do not be anxious for anything…” (Philippians 4:6)

There’s a reason we’re supposed to think about “…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy…” (Philippians 4:8) Worrisome thoughts do not accomplish anything. I know that. I really do. But letting things go doesn’t come naturally to anyone. We want to “fix” things, we want to be in control and make things turn out the way we think they should… we want to declare what is supposed to happen and make it be. We still want to be God — echoing our own Eden-falls, and losing the peace of paradise because we are so afraid of the weakness of our humanity. In our fear of loss and our desire for control we and up unable to trust and rest in the only relationship that can bring order to the chaos of our lives and calm to our storms… We each still carry our own Eden-echoes… and Thompson’s Hound of Heaven is still sniffing us out on search and rescue for our souls — the original Anam Cara. I may not know the future, but I know the Soul-friend who does… Eden is where He walks…

 

“Do not be anxious…”

This was my lesson from Confession yesterday… the same one I have been studying for years and will continue to learn throughout life… Trust… let it go… Trust… I have no need to fight when life seems to be attacking me from every corner — “Be still and know…” (Psalm 46:10) Just breathe. Open hands, open heart…

And I am grateful…

  1. wise words of comfort…
  2. written words to remember…
  3. words printed in explanation…
  4.  a normal EKG…
  5. choosing joy…
  6. courage to face the day…
  7. heating pads!
  8. words of reassurance in emails…
  9. old poems full of imagery…
  10. words that connect across miles and centuries…

It’s all Grace…